Friday, July 26, 2013

Trust?



God's been laying on my heart to write about a more personal matter, and I suppose this is one that would certainly fall under that category.

"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39



Up until now, I have never understood the meaning of this verse, and how I would go about following its message, and to be quite honest I don't think I fully understand it even now.

As my time living at the house I have grown up in shrinks, my level of emotional distress has been doing just the opposite, which makes me feel as if I'm on the edge of a cliff where the slightest gust of wind could blow me over. I knew that this season would bring many, many changes in my life, and I was (at the time) willing to accept them with open arms, but lately I've been struggling with the idea of leaving everything I've ever known, behind.

Although my future holds positive and exciting adventures, the idea that I will no longer be able to go into the next room to talk with my mom, or drive ten miles to a friend's house, or snuggle up in the familiar scent of the sheets on my bed, are just a few of the things that have been weighing me down - so much so, that thoughts of backing out of my future college plans have crossed my mind more than once.

The thing that keeps me going, though, is the thought and feeling that God has great things in store for me at college - things I could never have come up with, even in my wildest dreams! I have faith that God will introduce me to many people, many of whom will have a hand in shaping my future. I will become more constantly aware of my Father's presence and grow closer to those around me who are going through some of the same things in life as I am, all the while learning how to further expand Christ's Kingdom - what more could I ask for, really?

Then why is the aspect of "losing" my old life for HIM in order for my new life to become apparent, such a frightening thing?

For years, I've lived under the shelter of my parent's warm and caring roof - not saying I won't be living in a building with a roof over my head at college, but you get the idea.
Each day has been fairly similar to the one before...
But is that truly God's plan for me? Or am I to venture out into the unknown, relying on God every step of the way, where I won't have the safety net of the bed and sheets I mentioned before?

Obviously, God answered that question for me before I even picked up a pen to apply for college, but no matter how firm God promises me that this is His will, there will always be the fear of the unknown.

Lately I've been becoming increasingly more anxious and worrisome - to the point where I have no energy to go about my day. I can't think about much, other than the anxiety I am feeling.

Well, this morning God showed me something in my daily devotions that I felt the need to share due to its relevance to this post:

"Relax and let Me lead you through this day. I have everything under control: My control. You tend to peer anxiously into the day that is before you, trying to figure out what to do and when. Meanwhile, the phone or the doorbell rings, and you have to reshuffle your plans. All that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you from Me. Attentiveness to Me is not only for your quiet time, but for all your time. As you look to Me, I show you what to do now and next. Vast quantities of time and energy are wasted in obsessive planning. When you let Me direct your steps, you are set free to enjoy Me and to find what I have prepared for you this day."
(Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young / July 26 / pg. 217)

Jesus Calling is a book that was gifted to me from my boyfriend's mother, and has been a blessing to me every day since. I couldn't tell you the number of times I've been struggling with something, opened the book, and read exactly what I needed to hear. Today was obviously one of those times.

I'm beginning to realize, slowly, that God does not want me to plan my life all by myself. In fact, when I "plan my life" it leaves zero room for God to schedule His meetings with me because I'm blind to the fact that it's God who I'm needing to give the reigns to. I'm not saying that this solves all of my problems because unfortunately, I'm still human, and I don't think there will ever come a day when I don't want to control things, but what I am saying, is maybe I stress so much about the future because there's honestly no way I could ever conceive it, let alone control it.

I suppose that's the most frightening thing of all - not being able to control when or how I come up with the money for school, or when I'll be able to come home and see my family, or who I meet...

God wants us to rely on Him and, in my case at least, if throwing me into a situation where the only one I know is Christ Himself, I suppose I better get used to this feeling and learn how to trust God real quick.

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